It is commencement season, and The day by day presentMonday night time host Jon Stewart tells you ace that new job interview as you enter the true world after faculty.
“Possibly the recommendation we have been giving all of them alongside – about honesty and laborious work and all that different homosexual bullshit – is totally incorrect,” he started. “Possibly we must always all be college students at Donald Trump College, which clearly we will not be as a result of it was a fraud and was shut down, however metaphorically…”
Addressing the Class of 2026 — “everyone seems to be rallying round… your telephone, your mind chip, your good fridge, whichever means you have a look at it” — Stewart then launched right into a satirical crash course on get employed the “Trump means.”
First, the handshake: “Younger graduate, you stroll into the room. And what have you ever at all times been advised to do? ‘Eye contact, a agency handshake, sit.’ However that is what losers do. What you need to do is ready the phrases of the battle within the interview,” Stewart mentioned, because the display screen confirmed quite a lot of clips of Trump mauling the arms of varied politicians throughout greetings. “‘Yeah, I will take your fucking hand! I will… Give me your fucking hand! Give it to me! It is now my… Oh, I need your hand! Give me your fucking hand!’
“And in case you come out of this interview with a hand that appears much less grotesque than this one, you’ve got finished it incorrect. Do not look away! Take a look at it! It is a hand that received the interview!” Stewart joked as a picture of Trump’s badly bruised hand flashed subsequent to him.
After taking part in a video of Trump refusing to explain his weaknesses, Stewart commented: “Within the interview, ‘what are your weaknesses?’ ‘I do not know. Rent me and you can find out. I’ve a number of them. I’m reckless, I make choices impulsively. I do little or no planning. I am corrupt as fuck. However that’ll be my little secret till I get this job… Oh, here is considered one of my weaknesses: I make all the ladies within the workplace extremely uncomfortable.’ »
Stewart then performed a supercut of Trump’s hostile and derogatory outbursts towards feminine journalists earlier than saying, “So for you graduates, I do know this recommendation and this habits you simply noticed appears counterintuitive. ‘Why ought to I alienate the very individuals I attraction to, who’re merely doing their job and asking cheap questions?’ And my reply to that’s: I do not know. I do not know why this works. I do not fucking perceive. However right here we’re, and right here it’s. And he is president, and I am on primary cable. I do not perceive!
He added: “Chances are high, at this level, as soon as you’ve got requested them the query ‘that is a silly query and also you’re being imply’, the interview is over. Since you’ve handed.”
However wait, there’s extra. In in the present day’s digital world, employers can analyze your on-line exercise, and whereas earlier knowledge dictated being ready with a “compelling” and “credible” purpose for questionable social media posts, that is actually not obligatory, as Trump illustrates when requested about his AI-generated picture of Jesus.
“As a result of apparently, despite the fact that the Bible is Trump’s favourite e-book, he would not know the distinction between Robby Robinavitch and Jesus. Wow!” Stewart exclaimed.
The late-night host concluded, “Nice job on the interview. Thus far you may have been: boastful, self-centered, narcissistic, ignorant, fast to say credit score, fast to deflect blame, irritable, offended, vulgar, corrupt – identify any sin from Trump’s favourite e-book, you may have been. And apparently, within the upside-down world that our nation is now, that is the way in which to do it. So congratulations, you’ve got been employed The one factor left is now blatant theft from whoever employed you.
The monologue then ended with the announcement of the $1.7 billion fund arrange by Trump to compensate his allies and the January 6 rioters – which can be financed with taxpayer cash.